Sunscreen Spoof

2006-02-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

(Writen by Paul Maddox, Copyright 2001.)

Lady's and gentlemen of the class of 2001, write your dissertation.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, writing your dissertation would be it. The long-term benefits of writing your dissertation has been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of Word 2000. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of Word 2000 until hell freezes over. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of Word 2000 and recall in a way you can't grasp now how shit Word really is, period. Edit for DOS is not as bad as you imagine.

Don't worry about the hand in. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to write an equation using superscripts and underlining. The real troubles in your dissertation are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you before
you print out the final-final-final copy ready to hand in.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Do some work.

Don't be reckless with your backups. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Spellcheck.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you've written more words, sometimes you've written less. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with Word 2000's word counter.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the moaning from your supervisor. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old drafts. Throw away your new drafts.

Waffle.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your dissertation. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 21 what they wanted to do with their dissertations. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds failed their dissertations miserably, and lied that they got a 1st with honours.

Get plenty of service packs. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when you're praying to Mr Hewlett and Mr Packard that the Deskjet 700 can spell check whilst printing.

Maybe you'll get a 1st, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have a bastard inspector, maybe you won't. Maybe the system will die at 11:40, maybe you'll realise at 11:42 you brought your Quake CD instead of your project. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your dissertation is half bollocks. So is everyone else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Who needs a degree anyway? Dustbin men make a good wage these days.

Dance, even if you have nowhere else to do it than the labs.

Read the project guide, even if you don't follow it.

Do not read PhD theses. They will only make you feel stupid.

Get to know your bugs. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your colleagues. They're your best link to good websites offering random papers to rip off.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few will print out your dissertation when your printer is buggered at 4am on the morning of the hand-in. Work hard to bridge the gaps between your dissertation and one that will get a good mark, because the older you get, the more you need to prove something to the smart-arse wiz-kids of tomorrow.

Live in the labs once, but leave before it makes you smell. Live in the library once, but leave before it makes you do work. Sleep.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Your dissertation will be crap. Inspectors don't care. You, too, will get an ok-ish degree. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were an under-grad, dissertations were good, inspectors gave a damn and companies respected 2:2's.

Respect your 2:2.

Don't expect anyone else to write your dissertation, unless you pay them. Maybe you have a similar dissertation from last year. Maybe you'll have a thesis. But you never know when it may be spotted as plagiarism.

Don't mess too much with your Word styles, let's face it, they never work anyway.

Be careful whose advice you buy, and get your money's worth from online paper mills. Dissertations are a form of nostalgia. Writing them is a way of trying to show you know something, recycling the few fragments of knowledge you DO have, and writing them in a semi-sophisticated way.

But trust me on writing your dissertation.

80's Child

2006-02-18T10:20:00.000-08:00

Note. This is not written by me!

~~~

Hello children of the 80's. Read this, it will take you back but be
careful 'cause it will also make you realise that you are now
actually OLD!!

It's scary....very scary!!!!!

Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.

Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo

You played with "My Little Ponies."

Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.

You ever read Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, The Babysitters Club,
Forever or Sweet Valley High.

You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".

You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

You wanted to be on "Jim'll Fix It".

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had
plastic surgery.

You wore one of those slap-on wristbands at somepoint...or heaven
forbid one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat (Global
Hypercolour) or one of those t-shirt rings on one side.

You wore multiple pairs of socks in the middle of the summer just so
you could be "hip."

You had slouch socks and puff painted your own t-shirt at least
once.

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got
cancelled.

You can remember watching Saved by the Bell for endless hours, back
when they were new episodes.

You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.

You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."

You know someone who appeared on Wac-a-day.

You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your
name."

You wanted to be a Goonie. ("Goonies never say die.")

You remember Madonna in her cone stage.

You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."

You say 'PJ and Duncan' not 'Ant and Dec'.

You even wore fluorescent-neon clothing... (if you can call it
clothing!)

Not only did you wear fluorescent-neon clothing, but they were
mismatched with fingerless gloves and toweling socks. And who can forget those shellsuits!!!

You could break dance (ok, you wished you could)

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

You remember M.C. Hammer.

You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"....

You can remember when it was Jazzy Jeff and The fresh Prince and NOT
just plain Will Smith!

You own any cassettes.

You owned a pair of L.A. Gear, Keds, or Converse tennis shoes.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ALF or ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered on why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

My Little Pony, Gummy Bears and Transformers are familiar to you. You ever had a Swatch Watch.

You wore a plastic tennis viser all summer

You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the "Care Bear
stare."

You had Wonder Woman or Superman undies.

You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"

You spent hours in the basement building and re-building Lego cities.

Big wheels and BMX's were the way to go.

With your pink (or blue) portable tape player, you sang to Kylie and Jason!

If you ever owned Polly Pocket or Micro Machines.

If you ever made Ken fall in love with Barbie.

You know what " Psyche" means.

Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

You knew that Transformers were "more than meets the eye".

You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.

You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good film.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'dall be living in space.

You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt andfelt stylish.

You had to change into play clothes after school.

You wore acid washed jeans

Sported at least one tye dyed shirt Jean cutoffs, or cut sweathsirts seemed -really- cool

Scooters were in

Watching Neighbours was considered essential

You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.

Somehow you still know all the words to songs playedon VH1's "Big 80s"

Your arm was full of rubber bracelets.

You can still sing 1 to 12 from the Pinball machine song on Sesame Street.

You wore those wide, colourful shoelaces.

You still don't like going in the sea because of Jaws.

You remember Now compilations that had the pig on the front cover.

You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places
that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.

Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite programme.

You've ever said "bright light, bright light" in a strange high-pitched voice.

You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the relative
merits of Matt & Luke.

Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in
your wardrobe or make-up collection.

You ever did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and you knew you looked like a superhero.

Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate that your wings were like a shield of steel.

You still remember when the A-ha video was the pinnacle of modern technology and you can still sing all the words.

Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt.

You wondered why a popular kids TV programme told you to "Turn off your TV set and go and do something less boring instead".

You were shocked by the controversial plot lines in Degrassi Junior High.

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester,a pantomime horse and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal (RentaGhost v.cool!!)

You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip of redl ights on the front of Capri so it looked like KITT.

You've ever seen a girl, a clown and noughts and crosses on your TV.

You've ever had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up.

You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word "Exterminate!".

You could have got away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids. (Girls) You owned a pair of Pixie boots, generally worn with leg warmers. (Boys) You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with white towelling socks.

Ooh, you could crush a grape!

You've ever held a chicken in the air or stuck a deckchair up your nose.

You wore legwarmers & tried to do the splits while jumping in the air while singing you were going to live forever.

You remember Fingermouse and Dangermouse (not forgetting his trusty sidekick Penfold!)

Trains in Wales went "Pshh-t-cuf, pshh-t-cuf, pshh-t-cuf, pshh-t-cuf, pshh-t-cuf".

You know all the words to "Hey Mickey" (well, nobody knows past the first verse anyway).

You remembered Look In magazine, and when it was only 20p and Monster Munch when they were 10p.

Your best mate had a Soda Stream (or a Mr Frosty!!) at home and you were jealous.

Any elderly Scottish lady sounds like Supergran

You remember crying on the beach building sandcastles in the rain.

Hide and seek in the park, the corner shop, Hopscotch, butterscotch,
skipping, handstands, football in the park/street, British Bulldog, Beano, Twinkle, Hula Hoops, jumping in enormous puddles and building dams

When 'Computer' Tennis, Pac-Man and Donkey-Kong ruled

You remember hearing the tune then running out to buy an ice cream cone on a warm summer night - 99's, screwballs or a cider lolly (cider lolly? - cherry brandy lolly - yum!!).

You got up extra early, especially to watch Saturday Morning cartoons (and Going Live!)

You were occasionally allowed to stay up late for Howard's Way, Dallas, Dynasty or Minder.

Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

Using the bed as a trampoline. Pillow fights.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down made you have a fit of the giggles,being tired from playing.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.

You remember when 25p was decent pocket money and you'd reach into a
muddy gutter for 10p.

Important decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better and taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dare".

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

Pass this on to anyone who needs a break - I DOUBLE-DARE YA!!!

Funny Stuff

Sunscreen Spoof

80's Child